Five, six centuries ago
Lived Hermes Tristmogemus
Prophet, seer, alchemist
And doer of deeds blasphemous
This wizened old sage, for many an age
Had long harboured a peculiar notion
He was strongly inclined to travel in time
And to this end, had concocted a potion
With Strontium, Caesium and a dash of Selenium
He employed his mortar and pestle
And soon the mixture was perfected
Quite innocuous in the bottom of the vessel
Hermes cast his eyes to the heavens
And after leaving an explanatory note
Took up the vessel in trembling hands,
Poured the mixture deep into his throat
A bang, a crash a blinding flash,
It felt as though he might choke
But when the mist cleared, it was worse than he'd feared
It was Thursday, Blaydon, tynefolk
He arrived a bit late, about ten past eight
Of the first song he just caught a snippet
Dave Brocksop was singing about playing away
And blaming it all on his whippet
Now the club compere, in control of the affair
Was Danny McLeod, ably assisted by Joyce
Midst all of the commotion he broke out with emotion
Cos for singers he was spoiled for choice
Jim McGeean was regaling a tale about whaling
Just one of his shanty rhymes
With a voice so strong, he delivered his song
Bet he's been around Cape Horn a few times
Then came Billy Bruce, they just let him loose
With the traits of an unguided missile
His song, very soon, turned into a tune
Accomplished on both mouth organ and whistle
Then out from gloom in the corner of the room
So difficult to see, could be a mirage
It appears to be the Two Ronnies
Or maybe Little and Large
First, Ronnie Palmer said he was going to sing
"Cushy Butterfield" without any ditherin'
But explained to Hermes that he waadn't unnerstan'
So 'e was ganna de anitherin'
Not Ronnie Bright, he was much more forthright
Got straight to the point like a laser
With a swig of his beer he took a deep breath
And gave us Wor Nanny;s a Mazor
Under the light, almost out of sight
Johnny Handel was accordian playing
Singing "Canny Lad the Miner"
With style...it goes without saying
One folk legend sat next to another
Louisa Killen then started a tune
But true to tradition, reverted to singing
And gave us "The Rose in June"
Mary Hollins came next and no-one was vexed
If there were a prize for niceness she'd win it
With her powder and pearls she did New York Girls
Performed like a music hall linnet
Peter Woods came along, didn't give a song
Which at the time seemed the unkindest cut
But on reflection, he used his Lancashire inflection
And did the monologue "Three happence a foot"
Vic Gammon was jokey, a proper old folkie
Did House of the Rising Sun
By melodeon aided, the Animals faded
Vic's version should have been number one
Eddie Stewart of the Post who sometimes plays host
Had returned after regaining his voice
To keep everyone sweet and as a special treat
He sang "Dan" with Danny and Joyce
Pete Devlin performed Gloria and to maintain the euphoria
Tommy Hutton sang a Vin Garbutt song
Anne Lamb gave us Norma Waterson's Salt of my Tears
While JD brought Biddie Mulligan along
Then came the finale, by someone who hardly needs
Any introduction at all
Sings songs of old Tyneside and the Kielder hillside
And songs from Hadrian's Wall
But at the crowds insistence he did his piece de resistance
The song which is always in season
The folk club applauded as Brian Watson exalted
"The Good Lord Always has a Reason"
At the end of the song, amidst the clamouring throng
Hermes decided it was time to depart
Unable to believe that man could conceive
Of such a popular form of art
With the potion's effect abating and the antidote waiting
Hermes said goodbye to the tynefolk members
And with a bang and a crash and a blinding flash
Disappeared in a pile of embers
Now back safe in the fifteen hundreds
And impressed by the results of his mission
Hermes works on the next potion, set to return
But without paying the four pounds admission
